January 4th 1997

 

17 years ago my whole life changed. My whole life got turned up side down and I can remember it like it was yesterday.

Growing up it was normal for my Mom to be sick. My mother was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes from a very young age and it slowly took her life. We used to say she went to heaven one piece at a time. So I never really dwelt on her being sick, because it was normal. Just like we don't dwell on being healthy, because it is normal. It was normal for her to go the hospital or spend days laying on the couch. It was normal for her to not do all the same things my friends moms did. It was normal for her to not have legs and to be in a wheelchair, it was pretty awesome having a mom the same height as me. It was normal for me to take the handibus, because my mom didn't drive. It was normal to always have a place to sit. It was normal for my mom to lose a few fingers, and eventally go blind in one eye. It was all very very very normal. 

I never ever thought, "wow my mom is really sick". 

I remember this one time, I was about 8 years old playing on a little league team, and one of my teammates couldn't stop starring at my mom. Eventually she asked me "what was wrong with her?" I don't remember what I said but I do remember thinking, 'what do you mean, what is wrong with her?' 

 What I remember is how she would hug me each morning and we would sit together on her chair. I remember how she would play dolly's with me. I remember one time she 'bummed' her way down the stairs to the basement, just so she could watch my brother and I's nativity pageant. I remember how she would sing me lullaby's to bed each night, and I would pretend to be sleeping just so she would keep singing (seems a bit backwards but it worked). I remember her smile and the way her face lit up when she laughed. I remember how soft her voice was even when we were in trouble. I remember how you never really knew she was sick, she never ever complained about it, at least not to us kids. She never sulked or was sorry for herself. She was so grateful for my brother and I. I never doubted her love for a moment.

During the Christmas of 1996 (I was almost 10 years old), my mom had gotten really sick. Looking back at pictures it was very clear how sick she was. I remember that my parents had gotten rid of their bed and moved a hospital bed into their room for my mom (my brother and I would sit in the bed and play with the controls when no one was around--it's true that they literally fold in half----anyway...). On Christmas day I remember sitting with my mom on her wheel chair. She held me tight. She asked me to close my eyes and picture the field of dandelions from the movie Beauty and the Beast. She told me to picture her and I in that field holding hands and running. She talked about how blue the sky was and how the hot sun felt on our faces. She kept telling me to remember that picture. At the time I thought "Okay, sure- I would love to be running in that field--it was my favorite part from that movie". I thought nothing more of it.

A few days after Christmas, I believe it was the day before New Years Eve. I remember my Dad bundling my mom up in a few sleeping bags and carrying her out to the car. She looked like a little baby. I'm sure I told her...ha. My dad was taking her to the hospital. I remember saying goodbye to her as she layed on the back seat in the van.

My brother and I spent New Years with my Nanny (Grandma). I remember having a great time. My dad wasn't their because he was with my mom. My Dad told us we could go visit her on Saturday, which was still a few days away.

On the evening of January 3rd 1997, I remember being in my brother's room in the basement with him and my dad. My dad was telling us that mom had kidney stones or gallbladder stones....some sort of stone is what I remember. He said she was very sick, but it all seemed very routine to me. She would get really sick and go to the hospital, spend some time there and come home. She always came home. Little did I know she wasn't coming home. He told us that first thing in the morning we would go see her. I was so very excited.

I awoke on Saturday morning only to realize it was too early to go see my mom, so I just stayed in bed. 

I remember finding it odd that the hallway light was on and shinning light under my door.
 

Finally it was 8 o'clock and I decided it wasn't too early anymore to get out of bed to go see my mom. I opened my door and walked down the hall into the kitchen.  I remember seeing my Nanny there by the counter. I thought to myself "why in the world is my Nanny here....didn't she know we were going to see my mom today?" I was too confused to say anything so I kept walking. 

I walked into the living room. There my dad was sitting on the couch -sobbing. 

 My heart sank. 

She. was. gone. 

I ran to my dad and he wrapped me in his arms and we cried. He didn't say anything to me, but my heart knew that my mom was gone. It knew because it was broken. 
The rest of the day was a blur, looking back on it I'm sure I had gone into shock, because all I wanted to do was go see my mom and didn't understand why so many people were crying. Couldn't we just go see her one last time. I remember I got together with a friend that day, we went to the mall and swimming at Southland leisure center. Why I went swimming that day, I don't really understand. But it seemed like a better alternative than being around all the sad adults that kept asking me if I was okay. Pretty sure I wasn't okay. 

17 years ago I lost my wonderful mother. Though writing this is really difficult (at times I couldn't see through the tears---kleenex is getting good business today).
I feel like this is a way to heal; to help my heart ache just a little less.
 Though she is gone- her legacy lives on.

This picture would have been great if I wasn't showing my belly button off--oh jee-

I love you Mom-xo