December 22, 2009

On this day 5 years ago, my life was very very different. 

I was happily dating a super stud, and we were in love. I lived at home with my Dad, I had 2 part time jobs, and I was going into my last semester in University. Matthew and I had only been dating since Septmeber but I knew he was the one, we had talked about getting married, we even went ring shopping (which might I add was way more terrifying than I though it would be!! Haha). It was going to be our first Christmas together, except I was getting on a plane in less than 24 hours with my Dad to visit my family in Montreal for the holidays. I was sad to leave him, since it was my first Christmas ever having a boyfriend, and well that in and of itself was enough to make me sad. But I was also happy to go see my family in Montreal as it had been a number of years since I'd seen them. 

So a few days before Matthew had the "talk" with my dad...the "can I marry your daughter" talk. I was just as nervous as he was because I knew my dad wasn't big on marriage, and we hadn't been dating long. at. all. But it went good and he gave Matthew the go ahead, well he technically said " he didn't need his permission" so Matthew was confused for a large portion of the conversation, but in the end it was clear that it was okay to ask me to marry him. Ahhh!!! It was so nerve racking. 

So back to the 22nd, I was eye high in dirty clothes and attempting to pack. I think Matthew was helping me clean my room, or something like that. All I really remember is allllll night my Dad kept saying "so are you engaged yet?" " you know he better ask you soon, because we leave tomorrow", I kept replying "no, we aren't engaged yet, we will be when he asks". I knew Matthew wasn't going to ask me before I left for Montreal because a week earlier he said the ring was going to come in while I was away. Anyway, at around 10:30pm we decided to go for a walk, I remember thinking in my head, maybe he should just ask me so my Dad stops pestering us. (But how romantic is that, "can you please just pop the question already?!") so off on our walk we went. It was freezing and snowing. We went for a walk down into fish creek. It was so quiet out and the snow was cold and fuzzy as it fell from the sky. I don't remember what we talked about, but I'm sure we talked. We had been walking for about 20 minutes and had gotten to a spot we had been to before when we had first started dating. We walked off the path a bit and up this hill, that had a lot of snow. I remember I was not wearing very warm pants or shoes...my legs were numb and my toes were cold. I thought " why are we walking up here, I get it, it's cute, but why---I'm so cold!" But I went along with it because I was in love. So we got about half way up and Matthew put our gloves down in the snow for me to sit on, awe how sweet!! So I sat down and happily did not freeze my tushy. Matthew then sat down, with his back towards me sort of. I remember thinking, why is he sitting like that?!. I think Matthew said something to me like "remember when we were here last? Do you know what we talked about", for the life of me I can't remember what I said but I remember thinking " is he about to ask what I think he might ask?!" And before I knew it he turned toward me and was on one knee opening a small box (it was really quite smooth) with a ring inside. All I know is that I starting balling like a baby. Tears were falling from my eyeballs!!! I wish I could say I remember everything Matthew said, but all I remember (even in the moment) is he pronounced my middle name wrong (that's what happens when you hardly know each other lol) and I'm pretty sure he asked me to marry him. So I said yes!! I was so overwhelmed by my thoughts of "this is it!!! This is your moment!! This is the moment you got engaged!!!!" And I was also afraid he was going to drop the ring in the snow, it really impeded on my listening skills. So after I finished crying and said yes--we hugged and kissed and put the ring on my finger. 

Then we walked back home and I don't remember being very cold anymore. I was too busy being excited to be cold!! We got home and my Dad wasn't very surprised that we were engaged, but he was happy for us! I called some of my close girl friends and they came over and then at around midnight Matthew and I celebrated with a big plate of perogies.

It's hard to believe how much my life has changed in 5 years. Matthew and I have grown a lot individually and as a couple. He will always be my one true love. I am just as in love with him as I was 5 years ago, if not more. I'm so grateful he chose me, and asked me to be his companion forEVER!! I know that people spend their life searching for love, so I am going to cherish and hold on to the love that Matthew and I have, it's special and it's ours. 

True love exists, I believe in it, I found it--I opened my heart to it and I'm not letting go. 

The things I must remember & a quote I must remember!!

1. The way Bentley picks up stuffed animals and hugs them under his chin.

2. The way Bentley specifically sits on the heat register in the kitchen.

3. How Adelade reminds me to pray before every meal.

4. How Adelade always goes to bed wearing pajamas, yet ceases to wake up wearing anything.

5. The way Matthew says "I love you" about a bazillion times before we ever leave each other. 

6. How calming the Christmas tree all lit up and decorated is. 

7. The way Bentley smiles at me through his crib when we wakes up from his naps.

8. How Adelade has worn a princess dress every single day since she turned 3. 

9. That Adelade wants cuddles from me every night. I feel bad some nights I say no. 

10. How happy Adelade gets when I lay in her toddler bed with her.

11. How much Adelade and Bentley love to play in the couchfort with flashlights. 

12. How comforting it is to come home to a warm house full of people I love and love me back. 

13. How Bentley loves to "brush" his teeth while standing on the toilet.

14. That no matter how many times I tell Bentley to not climb on the table, he still climbs on the table with the biggest grin on his face. 

15. The way Adelade dances and prances around the living room. 

16. The way Bentley tries to copy Adelade's dances. Instead he toddles around flapping his arms and bending side to side. Seriously so so cute!!

17. How every once and a while I find Matthew steam mopping the floor. Even though it's a knock-off steam mop, he does a great job!

------

I read this the other day & it really struck a cord in me :) 

What happens after midnight is always hard to remember...

So last night I feel like I was awake more than sleeping. 

When we woke up, Matthew says to me "I'm so tired!" "I feel like the kids were up like 8 times last night"...." Didn't I make Bentley's bottle like 4 times". Granted it was a crazy night, but here is what actually happened.

We went to bed WAY later than we should have, all that cold medicine was kicking in and made it hard to fall asleep. Then at around 2 (I think) Bentley woke of screaming!! He was so mad, he wouldn't let me cuddle him or anything. I had Matthew go get his bottle because his Uncle was sleeping on the the couch and I didn't feel like getting caught in my skivvies. So Matthew got his bottle (it was already made). Matthew then put him back to bed. Not even 2 minutes later he was screaming again!!!! Clearly he wanted more to eat. So I had Matthew go down again and make another bottle. Poor Matthew had no clue what was happening. I sat with Bentley in his room, and because he was screaming so loud Adelade woke up and sat with us. Apparently we were having an after hours party! I gave Bentley bottle number 2 and put them both back to bed. Thank goodness it worked!! 

Then around 3 I heard Adelade wake up and walk downstairs. I was worried she was going to freak out because Matthew's uncle was sleeping on the couch. Instead she just came back upstairs and asked me in her most awake voice ever "mommy can we cuddle?" I was so confused! Haha. I put her back to bed...I think?! 

Then a few hours later I heard Adelade go pee, she came in asking for more underwear. Matthew and I didn't know what was going on, we told her to go get her underwear as she knows where it is. She was all like "okay, yah sure" The thing that threw me off is she sounded so awake, it was as if it was the middle of the day. Oh Adelade!! Haha

Then a few hours after that I woke up and it was 8:30AM!! What the??! How is that even possible! It's like Christmas when the kids sleep past 7. 

So as it turns out the kids were not awake 8 times rather 3, maybe 4. Also, only 1 bottle was made...not 4. Oh what the minds thinks when you are completely delirious! Paha!! 

It's all worth it for these 2 cuties!! 

Parenting rocks....eh?! 

Saturday mornings!

I wish I could say Saturday mornings are filled with pancakes and adventures, but I can't. 

Saturday mornings used to consist of me waking up before everyone else and going for a long run. This kind of impeded any family weekend traditions. For the last 12 weeks I haven't run, so no long runs on Saturdays. Lately I've been hitting the gym around 8, then coming home to the kids watching cartoons and then depending on how we are feeling, which is usually cranky...hah! Well usually one very small cute person with big blue eyes and crazy curly hair (Benty boo!) is cranky so he naps while I get ready and then sometimes we go out, and sometimes we don't. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the "things" I didn't do all week--laundry, cleaning, dishes, organizing, so it kind of puts a damper on the day when I go all "momfreak". 

When Matthew and I first got married we talked about how much we hated HATED doing chores on Saturday mornings. We had big plans of doing chores during the week, thus leaving Saturday's for fun!! Well let me tell you how great that worked out, or didn't. We have a really messy house and our chores definitely don't get done during the week. So this leaves me with the question, maybe Saturday morning chores are where it's at? Who knows?! 

I used to feel bad about how our Saturday's weren't filled with exciting adventures and weekend getaways, but now I'm realizing that simpleness is more my thing. I used to get overwhelmed by planning trips, having enough food, clothes-- etc. etc. but now sometimes all we have to do is leave the house. Seriously sometimes we do just that, we get in the car--crankiness and all and then decide on where to go. If we don't have something we need, we buy it, or go back home. Less stress, more fun. I'm working at it! 

Tender moments

The other day I hit my head on the corner of the kitchen cupboard. Ouch!! It hurt so bad. I was keeled over holding my head as Adelade asked me "what's wrong mommy?" I replied "mommy hurt her head". I was in the middle of dishing up lunch so as I was putting food on the table, Adelade then said to me "mommy do you want me to kiss it better?" (Awwww) I of course said yes!! 

Then this morning I was sitting on the couch with a really bad terrible awful worst headache. Adelade came over and again asked "do you want me to kiss it better?" Yes please!! 

Lately Adelade has really been into dancing. She turns on this little Christmas toy that plays music. Then she uses the rug in the living room as her stage. She spreads her arms and twirls on her tippy toes. Sometimes she even closes her eyes and tumbles around on the ground. It's actually quite emotive. Even Bentley now walks around trying to stand on his tippy toes and spread his arms. It is seriously the cutest thing ever. 

Am I looking forward to Christmas

Yes.

And 

No. 

I am looking forward to being with family, and watching Adelade take in the magical of Christmas. Bentley doesn't quite know what's going on, but I'm sure he'lol love ripping open gifts and being with family. Christmas was so magical to me as a kid. I want it to be like that for my kids. I have a hard time not getting everything done--I want to because something always seems to come up. Or I get lazy, or I just don't make time for it. Every year I want to make 'nuts and bolts', but I haven't....yet. 

I want to build traditions with my little family. 

I also think being pregnant 2 out of the last 4 Christmas's doesn't help. Of course I was grateful to be pregnant but it was during my first trimester so I remember spending most of Christmas holidays in bed. This year I'm not pregnant nor do I have a new born baby so who knows what it'll be like. Haha!! 

What I look forward to most on a Friday night.

Lately, as in the last 5 months since I started working part-time, on Friday nights I am a zombie. So I usually look forward to laying on the couch and not having to go to work. The occasional Friday when I find a sitter, Matthew and I go on a date and then I look forward to getting frozen yogurt. This has only happened twice but I still look forward to it, even though it doesn't happen every Friday. Haha!! 

I look forward to Friday's, the day part, before I become I zombie. Friday's are a day I get to spend with my kids and I don't have to worry about getting ready for work, planning sessions, and planning our daily activities around me going to work. 

That's about it. 

TGIF!! 

The last time I cried...

....it was happened last Saturday.

I was attempting to nap with Adelade (bad choice), because I had a bad chest cold that was really kicking my trash. I really REALLY wanted to nap. Even Adelade was sick, so I thought it would be easy pesy!!

Matthew was on the computer downstairs and Bentley was sleeping in his crib in the next room.

Adelade was determined to share a pillow with me (it was cute for 5 minutes)

I felt so sick, I had been "on" all day ---So I was highly irritable, my patience was very thin.

My bed was so comfortable and Adelade would not STOP moving. She was laying beside me pretending to talk on her "cell phone"(one of Matthew's bookmarks). It was kinda funny and cute, but not enough to trump a desperate need for a nap. All the while her pointy knee caps were jabbing me in the back, seriously so pointy!

Finally after an hour, I kicked her OUT. not literally I just told her to go in the play pen. I thought I was home free to dreamland. (yah right) 

She still wouldn't stop moving, and I could NOT sleep. I was so frustrated and tired and frustrated. I huffed myself out of bed and stormed downstairs and dropped onto (our amazing) couch and burst into tears!! It was kind of pathetic, but when I am sick I am highly sensitive and emotional. 

Thank goodness my Husband loves me and didn't ask any questions he just tucked me in under 4 blankets as my fever set in and I was off to dreamland before my tears dried up.

What happened today at 6pm

If someone were to look in my front window at around 6 pm tonight you would have seen me, my husband, & two kidlets listening to 'pentatonixs' Christmas album as we decorated the Christmas tree. Side note: it's a great Christmas album!!! It's all a Capella, seriously so good!!  

Adelade & Bentley were obsessing about this stuffy that sings and dances (we gave it to Adelade for her second Christmas). Then we pulled out the nativity set, that Matthew's sister kindly gave to us, it was the first year we've been able to put it on display. It really is beautiful. We...I, let the kids play with it for 5 minutes but that was long enough to realize how bad of idea that was. One day I'd like the little people nativity set, the plastic one they can't break. I remember as a kid playing (breaking) the nativity set was one of my favorite things about Christmas. 

Unfortunately Bentley has now caught the cold Adelade & I were battling the last few days. He's all hoarse sounding and is really congested. He seemed really enamored by all the lights and sounds of the decoration even between the heaving breathing and croaking giggles. Poor guy! 

With every decoration I handed to Adelade to hang on the tree, three were knocked off the tree by Bentley. For some reason it didn't bother me at all. I was just happy to watch them enjoy all the new things to look at and touch. 

So that's what happened at 6pm in my silly little wonderful world. 

I did take pictures (even before I realized what today's post was about) but it's on my real camera which takes too long to download to my computer, but one day I'll put them up....one day. Haha! 

Something I feel guilty about.

Okay, so this post is a very honest account, so no judgements. Please :) 

Something I feel guilty about right now is, how often I lose my cool, raise my voice, yell, lose my patience, get angry with myself, my husband but especially my kids. 

It is something I work on daily and it is such a struggle to not lose my cool after asking Adelade to do the same thing 5 times...or 10. Lately The only time she'll listen is once I get angry, and then I say "why do I have to get angry for you to listen" and she then looks at me with her big blue eyes as they fill up with tears and doesn't say anything. I immediately wish I could erase the last 2 minutes from her life, but I can't. I then hold her and kiss her and tell her "mommys sorry, and that I love you". I wish I could say this only happened once and I learned my lesson, nope it's happened probably 3 times this week. It makes me feel so awful. I feel like a terrible mother who yells at her innocent 3 year old. I just can't do it all sometimes. It gets so overwhelming just to leave the house by a certain time, I'm not actually angry at Adelade for taking 5 minutes to put one sock one--yes I'm super annoyed but angry-no. I'm angry because the dishes aren't done, my rooms a mess, the laundry hasnt been touched in a week, we are out of groceries, or I'm angry because of how I feel about my body, or I'm upset about something Matthew's done, or hasn't done (this one doesn't usually boil over onto the kids though), or I'm at my wits end with our bills, work, keeping a tidy organized house and it's the last straw. 

I want my children to know I love them beyond all belief. I want them to know that even though I may get angry more than I'd like to admit I would do anything for them. I want to do better and I know I can, I just need to keep trying and asking for help from my Saviour wouldn't hurt either ;) 

I don't want to dwell on these feelings of guilt rather I'd like to acknowledge my weaknesses and to keep on pushing forward. Parent is no cake walk, unless you like really hard, dense, lumpy, some parts are good others not so much--kind of cake. 

I Know that My Redeemer Lives

Every time I hear this song my heart is heavy. 

17...almost 18 years ago my mother passed away. It happened on a Saturday, the next day we went to church. I remember during sacrament meeting I was in the foyer for some reason while this song played. As I heard it play I felt my mother's presence with me, I felt calm and at peace, even though I had never felt so alone or unsure of the future in my life. I didn't know what life would be like anymore. I felt like I was watching my life happen and wanted to press rewind. Somehow during all of these feelings and emotions this song made time stand still and I knew that each time I would hear this song it would be another way to remember my mom, and that she was still a part of my life even though she's wasn't physically with me anymore. 

I Know that My Redeemer Lives is one of my most cherished hymns, sometimes it makes me cry to hear it (sometimes it doesn't) and other times I feel very happy. Happy to know that I will see my mother again. But every single time I hear this song I remember my mom; I remember her smile, her soft voice, the wrinkles around eyes when she smiled, I remember her rough hands that would hold me close and tell me everything would be okay. I remember how much she loved me and still does. 

This post was inspired by #lifecapturedproject 

http://www.lifecapturedinc.com/blog/write-your-heart-out-2

What I see when I look out my kitchen window

I see snow. 

A backyard. 

A tree. 

A garage. 

A playhouse. 

If I look slightly to the left I see....dirty diapers,garbage & recycling!! (This is my least favorite thing to look at, so I don't look left too often) 

If I look long enough out my kitchen window 

I either see all the dirty spots of old crusted food on the window 

or 

I see memories had.

I can picture Adelade running around in her swimsuit....or birthday suit and playing with her chalk or toys in her playhouse. 

I can see Matthew pushing Bentley around in his toy car. 

I can hear giggling, crying, and Adelade shouting "mommy!" 

I try NOT to see all the leaves I didn't rake up, or the toys I didn't clean up, or garbage I haven't put in the bin yet, because this just makes me feel overwhelmed and like I can never catch up...here's to looking out my kitchen window and seeing memories. 

This post was inspired by #lifecapturedproject 

http://www.lifecapturedinc.com/blog/write-your-heart-out-2

What is the first thing I do in the morning

My mornings are never exactly the same, it's always a gamble when you have young kids. 

On most mornings, I am woken by my alarm on my phone or Bentley crying. If my alarm wakes me I roll over and say a quick prayer with Matthew and kiss him goodbye, terrible breath and all, and let me tell you his breath is pretty terrible, so both of ours together-wow!! I stumble out of our room trying to miss all the super squeaky spots, which I never do because ALL of the floor squeaks!! Then I go pee, get my smelly gym clothes on, brush my teeth & put my hair in a pony tail. I then tip-toe down the stairs and gather my things and head to the gym. 

On mornings that I don't go to the gym, I am either awoken by a hungry Benty bear, that sometimes will go back to bed after a bottle, or Adelade standing in our doorway asking for a cuddle. Or for all honesty....my bladder. 

----the last thing(s) I do at the end of the day is:

Read scriptures. (So lets me honest, I usually sleep during this part, I need to do better, but right now it's usually like pre-sleep time)

Pray with Matthew. I try my best NOT to fall asleep during this part, though I'm not always successful. 

Say warm fuzzies. We tell each other all the nice things that one another has done for us that day. It's nice to finish the day feeling like a rock star. Hah! No but for real, it's something Matthew and I have done since our first year of marriage, it sure beats fighting ;) it has helped us keep the love alive! 

Then it's off to dream land...zzzzzzzzzzz

#lifecapturedproject

http://www.lifecapturedinc.com/blog/write-your-heart-out-2

A moment from today that I always want to remember & my favorite chair

Today was busy; filled with my coming and going. Thursday's are always a tough and busy day!!

When I got home this morning from the gym, I was standing in the living room in the chaos of everything. Umizoomi was playing on the TV and Bentley was standing in front of it pointing at it going "baaaa....baaaaa", then he would shake his hips and smile from ear to ear. Adelade twirled around behind him in her fairy dress she's been wearing for about 2 weeks now, which reminds me I should wash it. Then out of no where Bentley looks up at me and toddles over with his arms outstretched towards me! He walked up to my legs and nuzzled himself in between my knees. It was the sweetest little moment that made my heart melt. I picked him up and kissed him and wrapped him in my arms and danced along to the show, and watched his face light up as we bounced up and down. The happiness my children exude is something I want them to always have and share with others. 

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Last June (2013) we made our very first 'adult purchase', we bought a couch, that wasn't from a garage sale! Matthew went with a friend to pick it up the day before we had flash floodings in Calgary. We couldn't have gotten it at a better moment. Due to the flood we were home bound for a few days. This couch ---let me tell you feels like a dream to sit on, though it's hard not to lye on it---It's just that comfortable. At least once a month Matthew or I say how much we love our truly comfy couch!!!! I have had many glorious naps on my couch, it is my favorite chair. 

These posts were inspired by #lifecapturedproject 

http://www.lifecapturedinc.com/blog/write-your-heart-out-2

http://static.squarespace.com/static/53986127e4b0d5f8ec27604e/t/547cd319e4b0f06e930519b0/1417466649535/LIFECAPTUREDPROJECT_December2014.pdf